i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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