i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
