oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
