He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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