is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
