i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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