I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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