You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
