Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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