True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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