Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
