It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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