We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
