Pregnant stripper...not hot.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
