He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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