epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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