I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
