Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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