He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
