He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
