Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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