So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
