Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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