The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
farters have to be the big spoon...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
