mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
