So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
