Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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