so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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