walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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