new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
