Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
