dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
