Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
