My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
