just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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