When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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