She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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