Sry I called you an 8
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
