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• (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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• (514): View more from Quebec

  ..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop

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• (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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• (812): View more from Indiana

  And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands

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• (713): View more from Texas

  It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.

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• (310): View more from California

  Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?

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• (706): View more from Georgia

  Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.

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• (949): View more from California

  I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now

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• (757): View more from Virginia

  Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.

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• (803): View more from South Carolina

  The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?

  (904): View more from Florida

  Yep.

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• (214): View more from Texas

  He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina

  (817): View more from Texas

  Marry him NOW

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