Me too!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
