yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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