So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
my poor anus
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
