I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Less talking, more tequila
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I need moral support for this bender
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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