a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
