I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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