i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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