were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
