one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
