im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
