I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
