You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
