All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
