there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
