Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
